She said; he said! Sexual Harassment

“She said don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself.” - Keep Your Hands to Yourself, Georgia Satellites 

While this little ditty was always kinda cute, the line above has taken on new meaning, and for everyone, it is basically the most simple of rules about how NOT to be the next person up on Sexual Harassment Challenge.

I’m gonna be upfront and honest.  Have I.  Yes.  Was I aware that certain actions or words were making someone uncomfortable?  Not until I was made aware of such.  Which, in the scheme of things is usually how it should work.  Did I get dinged for it?  Yep.  Did I correct my behavior and do my best to not do that, not only to the individual(s) whom I made feel uncomfortable but in how I treated all.

Granted, I am still a guy who likes to hug.  I also strongly feel that touch to show empathy and/or sympathy are important, so it can occasionally be a dicey situation for me to appropriately judge when such actions may not be received with the intent I am trying to impart.  Which means that I must restrain myself.  I don’t have to be told.  I am the one who needs be aware that my touch, even my proximity, is not wanted.  Only, in the course of my professional duties should I be invading the space of anyone, especially a woman, who hasn’t indicated I can be there, and then only to perform necessary actions, and only so long as I remain in that space as long as that dutiful action requires.

The more I hear the stories, the more I realize I was kind of a creep at times.  And I am sorry that I allowed myself to do that.  I am saddened that I didn’t know better BEFORE I had to have it brought to my attention.  

What I am about to say is not to defend my actions in anyway.  I did it.  Bad Brian.  However, the more I reflect upon my own actions and upon the stories of the women in my life, personal or reshared from others whom they know, I have come to realize...this behavior is, sadly, culturally reinforced.  Regardless of how long we have been telling everyone to not harass and stalk and be a creeper, it appears that we only are telling “them.”  You know, those guys we don’t know, those idiots who seem to cross the line every chance they get, while not recognizing those actions in our friends, or worse excusing those actions in our friends, because they are “harmless,” and they only act that way because “they like you.”

Here’s the thing, if that person whom you are interested in is interested in you, they will show it; they will respond positively.  If there is hesitation in the way they respond, and especially if the response is NO in any way, shape, or form, they aren’t playing coy or hard to get...they have no interest.  Move along, there is nothing to see here.  If it’s you,  get the hint.  If it’s your buddy, make sure he gets the hint.  If it is some stranger, help him get the hint, make sure she is going to be ok, then move along back to your buddies; because if you only “rescued” her to just replace one asshole with another, you are part of the problem.

On a related note...This friend zone thing is shit.  If you are incapable of accepting that the person in whom you are interested in only wants you as a friend, confidant, buddy, or pal, and nothing more physical or emotional then that, get out of their life.  EVEN if you think you are better than every loser with whom they have wasted time with, EVEN if they have said the dreaded phrase, “I wish I could find someone like you.”  That is not an invitation to do more than continue to be a friend.  Accept your assumed “martyrdom” and find someone who wants you, not someone like you for the romance and companionship and sex you seek.  And either decide to continue being the friend or let them go out of your life, tell them your decision and stick to it.  Because, a) you otherwise aren’t doing either of you any favors and b) it borders on that harassment shit discussed above.

I Like the analogy about borrowing money (http://aplus.com/a/twitter-user-consent-rape-five-dollar-bill-metaphor.amp) and rape; but it also applies to harassment.  If you ask for $5 dollars and you are told no, you are in the wrong if you keep hounding, needling, wheedling, cajoling or otherwise making yourself a nuisance by repeatedly asking when the answer was, is, and continues to be, no.

We are allegedly better than the animal.  If that is true, it is time for humans to actually act as if our minds really are better than those said same animals.  Women can say no to your advances and that is acceptable.  Men can say no to your advances and that is acceptable.  Passion and romance and attraction can wane, and no matter your best efforts if the other party decides it is over, as hurtful as that may be, accept it.  

And just in case you haven’t grasped it yet, if your first line fails, don’t tell her no (more) lines and always keep your hands to yourself, unless you have implicit consent.

What the Hell Got into Me?

Not too long ago I went with some people whom I love with all I am to see the remake of “It”.

Overall, I think we were all rather underwhelmed with the movie.  However, I was reminded and we discussed how the more disturbing scenes weren’t with Pennywise or the other things that went bump and boo, but the horrors that humans can perpetrate upon other humans...especially those who have power, authority, responsibility for the health, safety and welfare of others.

Thus, today I am going to lay out my personal definition of evil, and discuss the topic as best I am able.  

I believe that there is evil in this world.  Whether there is any supernatural element to it or not is not going to be a part of this thought process.  I will deign to stick only with the mundane and mortal realms.  Further I believe that there are levels of evil, where certain historical figures would fit the bill readily, and yet there would possibly be some whom we would debate as to whether they were evil or made extremely horrible choices based upon several and various factors.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines evil as: profoundly immoral and wicked, with a further definition of harmful effects or doing harm.  

I define an evil act as a conscious and intentional act, which has no biological impetus to drive the need to act, that causes harm to another without their consent to inflict that harm.  Thus, an evil person is defined as someone who chooses to perform an evil act for personal gain or pleasure.

The three clarifiers within the definition are need, consent and an expansion upon what I mean when I say harm.  

Need: an animal level of biologic drive.  This means that while the predators do not get consent of the prey to hunt, kill and eat them, which could be considered an intentional act, the biologic need to eat and that there is no “human” level of sentient thought behind the decision negates it as being evil.

Consent:  there are those who purposefully seek out an individual who will inflict certain forms of harm upon them and those who seek individuals who will give such permission.  

Harm:  in this definition is not only physical harm, but also mental, emotional, financial or any other form of inflicting pain, loss and suffering. 

It is my opinion, that since almost every religion that has survived into modern times, and that those groups who have eschewed deity(ies) for a more humanistic approach towards moral rational, that there is a Universal Moral Law.  This would be that we love others.  Call it the Golden Rule, the Wiccan Rede, what have you, we as a species are pretty much wired to NOT inflict harm upon others without a justifiable reason (self defense/defense of those unable to defend themselves, etc), and even then this UML will cause psychological dissonance for most, even if the harming of another was justified.

While it is sad to note that there seems to be nothing in the UML that impels one to act to prevent others from causing harm or even to intervene afterwards (the so called Kitty Genovese effect), it does seem to hold that it does hold most people to the moral standard of do no (intentional) harm.  

What, you ask, brought about my desire to expound on this subject?  Well, it appears that more and more we are hearing of people who have the ability to make or break careers in a particular industry have abused that power to extort or force persons who were in someway beholden to that power to endure harassment, degradation and assaults of a sexual nature to be given consideration for jobs, roles, promotions, backing etc.  These are evil acts performed by evil people.  And this has brought to the fore how insidious and pervasive this ugliness is, not only in that industry but in pretty much any endeavor where someone with authority and power abuses that responsibility to obtain something they cannot get without coercion and intimidation.

I cannot remember where I heard this, but I recall a line in a book, movie or tv show where one of the characters said that we shall never truly live in an equal and free society until a person could walk naked with a million dollars in hand without fear of being assaulted, raped or robbed.  Sadly, human civilization still hasn’t advanced far enough to accept those who look different, we’re born in another culture or have beliefs of conscience (their moral compass, religious affiliation) that are different.  So, we are far from that ideal.

If I may, I wish to indulge in a confession of sorts.  After a particular incident in a combat zone, I was unable to resolve a moral conflict within myself, and the dissonance created caused me to believe for quite some time that I was an evil person in my core and that I was living a lie about being the nice and decent person that others saw me as.  It took many a year for me to realize that I wasn’t evil.  That the act which had made me feels such was not done with malice, intent, for gain and definitely not for my pleasure.  However, that learning process also made me think of other actions i had done, other choices I had made which weren’t good on my part and how they made affected others negatively.

Sadly, I must admit that I have made some choices in my life that may have harmed others, but the intent was not to do so.  I can in all honesty say that I am sure none of these acts were of such a nature that criminal investigation or charges would ensue, but they are now and were then, regardless of my age nor my non-intent for harm, still things that I chose to do and that I regret.  I cannot excuse those choices based upon any childhood traumas or harms perpetrated upon me (intentional or unintentional). While there may only be a couple few readers of mine who this may apply to; I apologize if any words or actions on my part, regardless of my intent, regardless of what impetus made me think it was ok or drove my decision making at that time, caused you harm, physical or emotional.  While it shouldn’t be your duty to seek out a more formal apology, I truly do not wish to cause any more harm by bringing up subjects that may be long forgiven or forgotten on your part.  

While saddened to know that I did make such poor choices in my past, it is the remorse and regret they caused within me that have helped to shape who I am now, and inform my decision making today.  I am still imperfect but I can only try harder to acknowledge my failures and faults and to better myself thereafter.  

While I don’t expect anyone to admit anything here should they comment, I do hope that this piece will help you reflect upon past choices and inform future ones so that evil will have less sway in this world and love will blossom.

Thanks for your time and consideration.  Look forward to hearing from you.

Thoughts on Love

I have pondered upon the subject of love before, however besides in my poetry it was almost always done from the outside looking in.  I am going to attempt to add more thought to this after being in and still maintaining a healthy committed relationship.

Put plainly, this ain’t easy.  From the time we are toddlers, the vast majority of us crave independence.  We want to be individuals; to fit in to a certain degree but yet be enough of a unique person that we don’t lose our identity.  

Then along comes this crazy little thing called love.  The early days are great...lust abounds and passion burns brightly, faults are overlooked and ignored, because they don’t matter.  Until they do.

The roaring fire of unbridled passion wanes and unless you plan on throwing some fuel that only makes that fire burn hotter but more quickly, consuming the fuel, it calms into a comforting fire and on occasion a bank of embers that requires kindling to renew.  A keeper of the flame, an ember carrier was a sacred and solemn duty because it meant life.  Love must have its embers kept and nurtured to ensure that a healthy love life will carry on when the rest of life makes tending a normal hearth difficult.

I have learned that all the relationships we experience prepare us to find the absolutes and the tolerances;  those things in another that must exist or cannot ever be allowed to be given a chance to flourish and those things that might not be that which we particularly like, but because of love we will overlook, abide and even come to accept if somewhat grudgingly because they are unique characteristics of a life and soul which we find complements our own life and soul.

We find that promises to never hurt are empty unless we mean that we will never inflict hurt with intentional purpose (at least not without consent).  To love with all ones heart and mind and soul means to be open and vulnerable.  And since we have been unable to come up with a way to communicate with one another without possibility of misinterpretation, the potential for hurt exists.  Did I intentionally misstate what I wanted to say, did they intentionally mishear me?  Doubtful.  Are my personal definitions of conceptual words different than the personal definitions of those concepts that my other holds?  Possible, more likely probable.  Dictionary definitions only carry us so far when helping us proscribe the parameters of an abstract concept.  What emotions and experiences do we we bring to the table that hinder us from not bringing bias and prejudgement into a serious conversation about feelings and actions and all the things that inflict some form of hurt and turmoil.  

Yeah, it is work.  But without work, that which is accomplished isn’t truly achieved nor is it savored as much, cherished, held in the high regard and esteem that make it all worthwhile in the end.

I am so happy to have found someone to share this thing called life with, the grand and spectacular, the good and satisfying, the sad and shitacular.  To support and to uplift, to protect and defend.  Her smiles are mine; her tears are mine.  

That is what I know about love.