Good Grief

This is not about the Peanuts character Charlie Brown, nor a review of the song title by Bastille.

While I used the adjective it was mostly for the effect.  Grief, a subset of the emotion of sadness is on my mind.

I won’t provide a lot of details, as much of what occurred to be the impetus for this dive into my head, is not my story to share.  

Grief is generally considered an undesired emotion.  Regardless, desired or not, it is an emotion, neither good nor bad in and of itself.  But since we are not Vulcan (or even half-Vulcan like Mr. Spock), emotion has a purpose.  In this case, that purpose is to express and to process loss.

The Oxford Dictionary (yes, I use the mother tongue’s lexicon for reference) grief is defined an overwhelming sense of sadness or loss.

Overwhelming.  Like a tidal wave and an atoll, a brigade surrounding a platoon.  Any sense of hope, of normalcy, of moving forward, is that one grain of sand that is a different color than all the rest on the beach…nigh on invisible.

Now, for some people, being able to withstand that initial onslaught of overwhelming emotion without getting knocked down, spun around, twisted, struggling even to breathe, well I commend you.  I wonder about you and whether you are brave facing or if you have little or no connection to your emotions.  Not judging, just curious and a little saddened for you.

For most, grief is like three prize fighting champions all hitting you at once in the head and the gut.  No matter how prepared you are for those punches landing, it is still going to hurt.

My lead-up to this point has been to say this…if this is what you are going through, there are others in your corner.  You will get through.  It may not seem that way as you are not even sure as to what direction is which; all color in the world has suddenly and completely gone black. 

I am not telling you to get over it.  Those who would tell you such have no empathy, and most likely have never experienced a loss so devastating, that you feel as if your heart has been shattered and your spirit put through a cross-cut shredder.  No, I am asking you to keep going through the hell that you are experiencing, whether an inch or a mile, keep going.  The sign may have said to Abandon Hope, but it is a lie.  You can emerge on the other side of hell; changed, of course and remembering that you have suffered a great loss, however, if you allow it, the pain of that devastation will become dulled by the memories of joy, warmth, and the bond that you had before the loss.  

A person, or pet may have moved on to whatever comes next.  So long as you carry your memories, you share the stories about them, and you provide others to experience what you learned from them or about yourself because of them, they are not really gone, just no longer physically present.  The legacy that they have left to this world is the people whose hearts, minds, spirits were touched, enlightened, nourished and sustained by the wisdom, love, joy and warmth that you were given to pay forward to others.

If you are currently grieving, regardless of what stage you are in, it is my sincere hope that the darkness will fade replaced by an ever growing light that will guide you.  In the meantime, let those friends and family members whose voices seem to be the only thing you that are giving you a source for orienting yourself do just that, provide you with a that candle flare, the whisper that seems to be heard above the cacophony of the storm you are in.  

As is typical of me, I write these from my phone, instead of with a physical keyboard, so forgive any typos.  I try to find them before I publish, but the mind that you had when you wrote is the same mind that you have when you proof, meaning it knows what you meant and doesn’t see those errors as errors at all.

Until the next time.

We The People, May Disagree…

It has been almost a week now since Election Day.  I have tried to figure out a way to write this without offending any particular person or group.  It just ain't going to happen.  

For those who know me, put aside my sarcasm and road rage, and I generally am not someone who goes out of his way to be offensive.  I try to find the middle ground, I try to build consensus.  But, as anyone who has been in a position of leadership, or been the ultimate decision-maker, you must at some point make a decision, and move forward or remain stuck in place.

If you ask me whom I cast my vote for, I shall inform you to go pound sand.  As a rule, very rarely endorse any particular candidate or push for any particular ballot initiative or proposal.  Instead, I advise folks to become informed and decide based on facts and how well a particular candidate represents them overall, not just on one or two issues, or how a particular proposal aligns with what you believe to be right.  I am an independent voter and have cast my ballot for who best represents the most important issues to me, and voiced my opinions to them about issues where we disagree.  That is how representative democracy works.  

Most of you should know that, on some basic level, so I shan't deliver a lesson in civics.

I am sure that many of my friends and family members, as well as many of you part-time purveyors of my wordsmithing, had your candidate for President of the United States.  The rest of you did not.  So much for the introduction and attempts at remaining non-offensive.

I want to say congratulations to you who believe you won.  I want to be optimistically hopeful that the good that can come from having him as the face of the United States to the world and the good that he can proffer as the executive of government to help the citizens of this nation he will lead.  I want to believe.  I want to be surprised, and shocked even, that I wasn't willing to give that person the benefit of the doubt, because his bombast and divisiveness were the character he portrayed, not the actual character of the person.

As a rational, thinking person, who values logic, I can't.  Not even a little.  I am disgusted, I am heart-broken, I am confused.  Four years of division, derision, and deceit weren't enough to convince you.  The intervening four years of unmade plans, waffling on a stance, and continued hate, didn't convince you.  Now, a narcissist and extreme present hedonist will again be in charge, and use the bully pulpit to move this nation further away from the ideals that the United States represents (represented?, strove to represent?)

I fear for those who are different.  Those who don't look, act, speak, think, or worship, like a specific group with a narrow view of the world, a rigid system of belief that is rarely based upon any fact, and who are afraid of those differences because they do not fit into that narrow, rigid system.  Hate Groups, Supremacists, and Followers of extreme and radical beliefs emerged from the shadows and actively supported this person.  They may have been emboldened under his previous tenure as President.  This time, they are not just emboldened but will feel empowered to spew the hate and divisiveness that are their stock in trade.

I understand your frustration with how things are, and how glacially slow the response from our government and its representatives can be.  Been there, and dealt with that.  Most politicians have little desire to actually represent their constituents unless they have deep pockets and can provide a way to smooth and straighten their path to More.  But they can be held accountable, if and when people actually participate in the processes that make a bureaucracy continue to inch forward regardless of how grudingly it wishes to do so.  Instead we send money to this advocacy group, this political organization, and allow them to sell their agenda, in which your voice is lost in the cacophony that is the Political Action Committee and the professional Lobbyist.

Do not fear, I will not be someone who says "Not My President."  I haven't renounced my citizenship (and have no plans or desires to do so).  But, I will fight for the People.  I will fight to defend The Constitution of the United States.  

Anyone who swears an oath for some position of authority and responsibility over any part of the populace of this country (federal, state, municipal) does so with the knowledge and therefore acceptance of a duty to uphold the Constitution of the United States first and foremost, before any other similar organizing doctrine.  Not to a particular leader; not to a partisan platform; not to their own personal aspirations, but to the ideals and foundational principles that our Constitution and the subsequent amendments enshrine.  

I believe that if we can keep this in mind, regardless of any social, economic, political, religious, or any of the other differences that make us all human, we might just be able to come together, clean up our public spaces, and return to making our nation move ever closer to the ideals that we want the world to recognize us for, and be The example of how to move towards those ideals - Liberty (with responsibility), the pursuit of happiness (that does not limit, deny, or circumvent the freedom of any other to engage in their pursuits), strive to ensure that all basic human rights are available to all, to Live in the way that they believe will best allow them and their family to utilize all of the other rights without interference unless done so by due process of morally, ethically, and Constitutionally aligned laws.  Laws that prohibit some individuals or groups, make them less equal under the law than others - that is not due process; that is the beginning of tyranny, of suppression of the many to benefit the few. 

However, I am not so naive or have my glasses so rose-colored that I am not aware of some who are so entrenched in ideas that are not only extreme but antithetical to the freedom that we all cherish for ourselves. Liberty means nothing if it isn’t applied to everyone.  Exercise of one’s rights is not without limit - limits that prevent any person or group from reducing, revoking, or restraining the exercise of any other to do the same or place any person or group's needs above those of the rest of the citizens at least not without due process of law - laws that continue to be in support of that same concept.   

I hope that the divisive and denigrating rhetoric will dissipate, and that the extremist who have exposed themselves to the daylight will not be allowed to skulk back into the shadows and darkness, but be made to withstand the glare and answer for their push to make others less so that they can pretend to be more.

I hope that we as citizens of these United States can come together despite our differences, whatever they may be, and find the commonality, the middle-ground that allows for the most benefit for everyone - equally,.

I close for now, with the usual requests for comments or questions.  All I ask for is civility.  We can disagree, but it does not require any hate to do so.  Thank you for taking the time to read this, and understand that there is not any maliciousness intended; should any have been taken - may we find ways to ameliorate any wounds and work to repair whatever relationship we have to at least return it to some level of amiability.

Time Flies: When Life Intrudes on Living

Good day my readers; what few I may still have.  I thank you if you are still here for your patience and understanding.

The title above, as do a lot of things with me, represents multiple messages with a common theme.  The first is probably the most obvious…it has been a year since I last wrote here and published; much of that due to me allowing the regular routines of life keep me from doing, experiencing or enjoying being alive and indulging my curiosity, desire, or pleasure for the sake of increasing my own happiness.

The second lies in a similar vein but is both more focused and rather broad at the same time.  It is most likely a trick of the mind, maybe because as we age, we have more life to look back upon and reflect while we have an indeterminate amount of time, and potentially fewer things to look forward to going forward, but it seems as if the days, weeks, months and years go by more quickly than they used to.  

I look back at the significant moments in my life to date and many seem to have only happened in the recent past, but then as I actually allow myself to think upon them, I realize that these happened farther back in the past.

And finally, it is also a warning, to myself mostly, but to y’all as well.  Don’t be afraid to do that thing you have put off; take time for you and feed your mind, heart, and soul with the curious and creative, find the awe of a child within you and approach the routine and mundane as if it is the first time.

I may think of more upon this specific topic as I go along, but as per my usual 100 thoughts in 1000 directions speeding through my mind at a million miles an hour, so my train of thought is on the wrong track and possibly headed towards a derailing. So I shall make this a hodgepodge of other random thoughts.

Pets, animal companions, or whatever one wishes to thank about and call them…for many they are family.  Circumstances in my life have allowed me to have a fair share throughout the latter part of my life.  The last two years have brought a lot of heartache as we lost some of the most beloved of fur babies.  But as time healed those heartaches, we opened our hearts and homes to new beastie besties.  Our feline population has dwindled down to a number approaching something I feel will be more sustainable for the size of our home, and while I know it will fluctuate up and down, many of the ones who have crossed the rainbow bridge were more than just a beloved animal companion but a warrior, a hero, a fighter, an inspiration. Our canine pals left us as well.  And for a period of time we did not have any within our walls, having to obtain the joy of a dog through those of friends.  In December we rescued Nova, a dog of many a mixed breed, and then in February, it became obvious that Nova needed a friend of her own to keep her company while the human parents were out.  This led us to this whirlwind of a tripod pit mix named Posey.  Our house is a home again.

Jen and I have gone about and experienced several and various little vacations including a week in Canada.  These were all wonderful breaks from the routine and mundane, providing new energy and clearing the fog of jaded outlooks and skewed perceptions that come from the stresses of life when you do the same thing day in and day out.  Whether it is going to a different park or seeing the sights in a town not your own, or taking a dream of a lifetime vacation…don’t put it off any longer than you must to plan and execute that change of sights and sounds.  It will do your body and spirit good.

I continue to dislike the growing divide (mostly along political ideology) that seems to pit tribe against tribe, clan against clan, etc.  And what is more frustrating about this is that information/data contradicts or contravenes an opinion or idea, and yet is dismissed as fake and/or misleading.  I try to live a life of non-judgement.  I don’t always succeed (road-rage anyone), but if we differ we differ and I celebrate & accept those differences as a part of life…we are unique as much as we are a part of romancing greater, so it is important to take in new information, weigh it against what we know/believe to determine if there needs to be a revision

As the famous Rodney Kim quote goes “Can we, can we just get along.”

I know there is a whole lot more I want to talk about, but it is escaping me at the moment, so for now I shall close.

Till the next time (which I hope will not be another year away). I shall close.

The Cave

 Hey all!

Yeah, it’s been some time since I’ve been here; 8 months. I will do a catch up for y’all in another post, but just wanted to say, I don’t make money off of these, so I get to them when I can or occasionally when I feel it is necessary.  I will work on creating more consistently.

The Cave, not to be confused with a man-cave, is that place in my head that I disappear into.  I may be physically present, but mentally, emotionally…I have receded into the depths of my mind for protection against the storms and darkness of my life.

To many this may sound somewhat normal and even healthy on occasion.  It probably even is that, in moderation.  But, when you decide not to leave the cave and go meet basic needs, or do so in as quickly and quite obviously, reluctantly way, one tends to miss many things.

I am a self-described asocial, introverted individual.  This doesn’t mean I don’t socialize, but that I have a rather small gauge that measures my ability to be around people whom I don’t know, or even somewhat moderate sized gatherings of people where I know many but not all attending.  I have a tendency to observe, ponder and interact, if I feel I have something worth contributing.

Anyhow, when I enter my cave and am also in the midst of a depressive episode, well, that can be problematic.  It means that I am ignoring the people and the things that are important to, and worse, not giving back or contributing on my part to love and support those whom love and care about me.  Which, only adds to the depression and/or anxiety, because you tell yourself you are a loser, a failure, worthless, and feel paranoid that you are going to drive those individuals away.  And because you are so caught up in your private La Brea Tar Pit of the mind, that you start to sabotage those relationships to “fulfill” your worst thoughts.

It’s an ugly cycle.

I had been doing rather well in maintaining for some time, and was living in that normal cycle; until I wasn’t.  This threw me off.  Being an introvert and a typically asocial person, spontaneity is not a strong suit.  I like plans.  I like schedules (which those who truly know me have to wonder why I am always running late if I make plans and set schedules - it’s because I don’t plan for contingencies like, oh you know, weather, traffic, needing to scrape snow and ice off the car, etc.).  So to get back to the topic at hand, my scheduled roller coaster of mental health suddenly had a steep descent and some loops added in.  I felt like I was going to fall out of the coaster car.  So off to my cave.  I must have decided to dig in deeper, because I had wedged myself way in the back so that if you came in, you met my spears of anger or apathy.

I am thankful to all the MH professionals who have helped me, along with all those who care about me, that have made me understand that when you ask me what is wrong, or if I’m okay, you are letting me know that I am not my normal self, and that I need to come out and breathe the air, refresh my mind, body and soul with the joys of life, not dwell upon the million what-ifs of which I have control over about three of.

I share all this to say, if you are going into you cave on occasion, and using it to rest and recharge in a place of safety and security.  Good for you.  If however, like I have been doing for the last few months, staying inside that cave, as far away from the entrance as possible, maybe it is time to venture forth, find your tribe, and let them help guide you to someone who can help with whatever has overwhelmed you.

As always, comments and questions are welcomed.  I look forward to a debate, so long as it remains as a debate - civil and productive.  I have argued and allowed myself to be derided far too often once upon a time to let such things occur and waste my time.

Till the next one.

Friends of Fur, Feather and Scale

 14 years, eight months and two days of which I knew you only one month and 29 days less than you had here on Earth.  And until only recently you spent it with me, purring and pawing your way into my heart.  

Today, my furry companion, Snickers, crossed the rainbow 🌈 bridge.  My heart aches.  Not because I am overly saddened that he is gone, but that there are no more days with you, no more naps with you curled up beside me, with your back paws 🐾 having to touch me.  I created that little quirk when he was a kitten, because if I didn’t feel it little feet pressed against me, I did not know where he was and couldn’t roll over.

He was Guardian Angel #4.  He kept watch over me, and chased my demons away.  He greeted me at my door when I came home from work.  

It is amazing how these creatures that we take on as pets, as friends, as a companion in our journey through life, become so entwined in our hearts and in our souls.  And not through any wonderous words of wisdom, or keen insight into our psyche, though I am sure that if they could impart such knowledge they surely would, but simply because they love us with their entire being, without judgements or criticisms.  No “I told You!,” when they come to meow, bark, purr, nicker, whinny or whatever other sounds, and looks they give us, that make us believe they are listening to every word we say, and are deeply contemplating all we have said, and are figuring out what to say in response, without ever speaking any actual words.

While I may be anthropomorphizing them a bit, there has to be something more than just askance for their bowl of food, bag of grain, or juicy crickets. 

Fortunately, this time, I have no dearth of furry companions to help ease my sadness, and in turn add back to my happiness.  However, I shall miss my friend, as he shared a good portion of my life’s journey with me.

The System

We have all dealt with it, in one form or another.  The majority of us, thankfully, are lucky to not have to deal with it in any more than a peripheral capacity, like renewing license plates or a change of address for your license/ID, but even then it can be infuriatingly frustrating at the paperwork, red tape, and utter bureaucratic maze that is The System.

 

However, there are those who have to deal with the system much more closely, and sometimes in nightmarishly hellish ways; plus there are those of us who work with or as part of the system, and are struck by how twisted the system can be.

 

It is this last group that I am directly addressing, but all are welcome to proceed.  I am writing this out of my own frustration and disgust with a system that is supposed to be all about assisting those who need assistance, that instead does little more in assisting beyond providing some of the most traumatic social interactions that create distrust and disgust with anyone and anything that is remotely related to that part of the system that screwed them over (in their eyes especially, but in ours as well).

 

I wish I could provide a lot of details, so that you don’t have to guess, or fill in your own scenario, but privacy concerns and professionalism require that I be vague.

 

My most recent issue with The System, is that it asks people to come to it and obtain assistance for a large number of things.  This is the part of the system that works, in a somewhat Byzantine manner, but does provide for the common welfare of all.

 

However, this same system, then chastises you on the mild end, and creates scenarios that seem to be drawn from Rod Serling’s files of Twilight Zone material.  For example, we encourage people in domestic abuse situations to reach out, get help, and hopefully remove themselves (and any children) from such situations.  While The System does provide help with investigation, intervention and potentially prosecution of the batterer, it also has a tendency to make the survivor of the abuse also face an invasive investigation, threaten to or actually remove minor children and place them in foster care, and/or place the survivor on child abuse/neglect registry.

 

How does this encourage anyone who is even somewhat familiar with that story to feel that they should seek out assistance when they are being abused, or worse, suffering physical injuries when they find the courage and strength to say no more?

 

As another example, the system says to reach out for help when your bad habit/addiction has finally reached a point where you are ready to change.  Understanding human nature we know that habits that have been ingrained in us, possibly since we were young, and especially with addictions, change is a process.  Lapses into use of an old habit occur; lapses in sobriety happen.  Everything tells us that while not exactly OK, we should confront our emotions about how we feel due to the lapse, recognize it as a mistake, recommit to the change in habit or to our sobriety and begin again.  Personally, I lived my first 34 years of life perfecting my anger into an art form; throw in some PTSD, and it was a powder keg in a roomful of sparks situation.  I have been working on the new me for 20 years now, and the frequency of my returning to that display of anger decreases by months and years now, but I can still get caught up in my emotions once in a while and revert to using a habit that was 2/3rds of my life compared to the roughly 1/3 of my new habit using life.  

 

So how is it that we expect individuals who have lived their lives a particular way for so long, and probably had parental/familial role-models of such habits or addictions, to just throw a switch, and not have struggles, and lapses.  Notice I keep saying lapse.  I am not talking about relapse here, which is you not acknowledging you made a mistake, owning it and trying over, but instead giving up on your own self, and returning to your addiction or bad habit, believing you are worthy of better.  Anyhow,, the system says it wants to help you, but when you have a lapse, whether you self-report, or someone drops a dime on you, the system treats you as if you have relapses and have failed to make any attempt at change; thus proceeding forward with various negative consequences and reinforcing whatever self-doubt you harbor about yourself and your ability to change.

 

As advocates for our clients; as advocates for Justice and change, we must confront, and push for changes in the system that are basically a push from behind after offering a helping hand back up.

 

Thanks for your time, and please, leave me feedback or ask questions.  Just because I have shared my opinion, doesn’t mean that it is the best it can be or even the correct opinion to hold.

 

 

Thanks

Thanks, more formally Thank You.  It is an expression of gratitude.  Gratitude is the expression of being thankful or of receiving and returning kindness.

After almost two years of this coronavirus crap, and such radical division between people and groups over practically any issue, one can wonder what it there to be grateful and thankful for.  

I, unfortunately, cannot answer that for you.  While we may agree on certain things for which one is thankful for, others we may not, or as is more likely, that particular person, thing, what have you, is important to me but not you and vice versa.

There is more and more research that indicates that even small acts of being grateful lead to increases in general well-being, positivity, and happiness.  Just by acknowledging that you are grateful, thankful, appreciative of something.  Which in turn allows you to see and appreciate more activities, words, people, interactions or what have you that you are thankful for.

A day in which we celebrate Thanks, at least in my nation, occurs tomorrow.  My list is prodigious, I have a cornucopia of people, pets, books, music, and activities for which I am blessed and so very grateful.  If you are reading this, and if this short missive has moved you in some small way, I am grateful that I have your interest, and that I am grateful that I may have made a positive difference in your life, if even only for a moment.  

Moments are all we have.  They occur and then become memory and feeling.  Depending upon their significance, the memory may be short and the feeling practically forgotten before even a few more moments have come and gone.  But those that impact is the most inform who we are and who we can and will become.  Those moments are not our whole identity.  Those moments are not that which will forever define us, unless we allow them to.  I saw a saying the other day, “The past is good to visit, but it isn’t a place to live.”  And for that advice, and my continued attempts to live in the here and now, the present moment, I wish you a wonderfully joyous Thanksgiving Day, and I hope that you recognize all that is in your life that you can be grateful for (mistakes and failures suck, but they can also be something to be grateful for, due to the lessons, inspiration and, potential impetus to strive to try again, to do better, to refine our plan(s) and reach for our dreams.