(Adult) Children, its time to have that Talk with your Parents

The role of parent/child is pretty straight forward.  One is the mentor and role model, the teacher, counselor, disciplinarian and other such roles, and the other is the sponge that absorbs all those lessons, both those deliberately taught and those that may not have been meant for the mind of the child; and then it is hoped for that the child learns and applies those lessons to grow and become as stable and productive member of society as their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual abilities allow them to be.  

Eventually, the child becomes an adult themselves (at least chronologically) and may soon take on the parent role themselves, continuing a cycle of generations and ages.  All is well and right.

However, there comes a time when the parent has lived a long life and their physical and mental selves are no longer quite what they were.  Suddenly, the child has taken on the role of caregiver and advocate and protector of the person/people who did those things for them so many years ago.  This topsy-turvy turn of events is not ever really prepared for.  Like becoming a parent for the first time, you sort of know that life has changed, and maybe you have read the books and listened to the experts and taken the advice, but there really is no preparation for that moment when you have to make decisions and face choices that just aren’t fair.

In the last few years, I have increasingly had to take on more and more in helping my parents out, and have become far more involved in their private lives as it refers to health and a few other subjects than I ever really cared to know (TMI - sprung from learning things about your parents that no person should ever want or care to know, even if it is for health reasons).  Recently, however, it became even more daunting when I had to make decisions for and about one of them because they were not able to do so.  A task made more difficult, because all the talk of planning and the supposed steps taken to ensure such a thing were possible,  never did get accomplished.  That no matter how much unwanted a task it may be, accomplishing it is thwarted by a failure on the part of the parent to follow through on the stuff they swore they would do, or had done.  Even made me believe it was done by having me sign papers and give me instructions on where those papers would be.  

A form that myself and another had signed to be the authorized folks to make decisions should this person not be able to do so we’re led to believe that it was completed.  It wasn’t.  Not was it where it was supposed to be.  Other documents that were supposed to be in the same place weren’t.  Other preparations that were alleged to have been made, hadn’t been.

My point, you ask?  Well, I have a couple.  First, this shit sucks.  Both my parents need to be healthy and happy until I die at 105 years of age.  Seriously though, not a job I wish on anyone.  I have seen the toll it takes on others and experiencing it now...I think I’d prefer a full round with Mike Tyson in his prime.  I may not feel as beaten up and spent.

Second, and this is the meat of this blog, don’t put off getting affairs in order.  The moment that paperwork is needed by a hospital or decisions have to be made and no one can prove, legally (that means with papers), that they have the power and authority to make such decisions for another, can happen in an instant.  As uncomfortable of a subject it may be, talk to your parents; parents talk to your adult children and make your wishes known verbally, now.  Even if you use a generic standard form or you pay an attorney get the Living Will, Do Not Resuscitate, Medical And Durable Power of Attorney and any other paperwork y’all find necessary to have in case such time arrives where it is needed.  Discuss what treatments you want and don’t want and how long to provide those treatments if the prognosis worsens or has no reasonable chance of improving.  Get other paperwork together that will be wanted/needed in such an event and put it together in one place that is accessible to those who will need it and let them know where that is and how to access it.  Review that stuff once a year or every couple years to ensure it accurately reflects your wishes and those who may have accepted such a responsibility still want it and that you still want them to have it.  

I get it; not a fun topic and definitely not something that one generally wants to talk about.  But it is important.