“She said don’t hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself.” - Keep Your Hands to Yourself, Georgia Satellites
While this little ditty was always kinda cute, the line above has taken on new meaning, and for everyone, it is basically the most simple of rules about how NOT to be the next person up on Sexual Harassment Challenge.
I’m gonna be upfront and honest. Have I. Yes. Was I aware that certain actions or words were making someone uncomfortable? Not until I was made aware of such. Which, in the scheme of things is usually how it should work. Did I get dinged for it? Yep. Did I correct my behavior and do my best to not do that, not only to the individual(s) whom I made feel uncomfortable but in how I treated all.
Granted, I am still a guy who likes to hug. I also strongly feel that touch to show empathy and/or sympathy are important, so it can occasionally be a dicey situation for me to appropriately judge when such actions may not be received with the intent I am trying to impart. Which means that I must restrain myself. I don’t have to be told. I am the one who needs be aware that my touch, even my proximity, is not wanted. Only, in the course of my professional duties should I be invading the space of anyone, especially a woman, who hasn’t indicated I can be there, and then only to perform necessary actions, and only so long as I remain in that space as long as that dutiful action requires.
The more I hear the stories, the more I realize I was kind of a creep at times. And I am sorry that I allowed myself to do that. I am saddened that I didn’t know better BEFORE I had to have it brought to my attention.
What I am about to say is not to defend my actions in anyway. I did it. Bad Brian. However, the more I reflect upon my own actions and upon the stories of the women in my life, personal or reshared from others whom they know, I have come to realize...this behavior is, sadly, culturally reinforced. Regardless of how long we have been telling everyone to not harass and stalk and be a creeper, it appears that we only are telling “them.” You know, those guys we don’t know, those idiots who seem to cross the line every chance they get, while not recognizing those actions in our friends, or worse excusing those actions in our friends, because they are “harmless,” and they only act that way because “they like you.”
Here’s the thing, if that person whom you are interested in is interested in you, they will show it; they will respond positively. If there is hesitation in the way they respond, and especially if the response is NO in any way, shape, or form, they aren’t playing coy or hard to get...they have no interest. Move along, there is nothing to see here. If it’s you, get the hint. If it’s your buddy, make sure he gets the hint. If it is some stranger, help him get the hint, make sure she is going to be ok, then move along back to your buddies; because if you only “rescued” her to just replace one asshole with another, you are part of the problem.
On a related note...This friend zone thing is shit. If you are incapable of accepting that the person in whom you are interested in only wants you as a friend, confidant, buddy, or pal, and nothing more physical or emotional then that, get out of their life. EVEN if you think you are better than every loser with whom they have wasted time with, EVEN if they have said the dreaded phrase, “I wish I could find someone like you.” That is not an invitation to do more than continue to be a friend. Accept your assumed “martyrdom” and find someone who wants you, not someone like you for the romance and companionship and sex you seek. And either decide to continue being the friend or let them go out of your life, tell them your decision and stick to it. Because, a) you otherwise aren’t doing either of you any favors and b) it borders on that harassment shit discussed above.
I Like the analogy about borrowing money (http://aplus.com/a/twitter-user-consent-rape-five-dollar-bill-metaphor.amp) and rape; but it also applies to harassment. If you ask for $5 dollars and you are told no, you are in the wrong if you keep hounding, needling, wheedling, cajoling or otherwise making yourself a nuisance by repeatedly asking when the answer was, is, and continues to be, no.
We are allegedly better than the animal. If that is true, it is time for humans to actually act as if our minds really are better than those said same animals. Women can say no to your advances and that is acceptable. Men can say no to your advances and that is acceptable. Passion and romance and attraction can wane, and no matter your best efforts if the other party decides it is over, as hurtful as that may be, accept it.
And just in case you haven’t grasped it yet, if your first line fails, don’t tell her no (more) lines and always keep your hands to yourself, unless you have implicit consent.
