Masquerade: The public faces of a private person.

Hi, howdy, hey!

Up front, I want everyone to know I am not looking for any sympathy or the like.  I am sharing these thoughts and a view into who I am for three reasons.  1) so others may understand me better.  2) so y’all may be able to understand others who go thru similar things.  3) so I can process all this myself and move on.

I am sure the vast majority of you are aware that I recently got married.  It was a whirlwind of a day, but I married a loving and caring woman who happens to be one of my best friends.  We had a funtastic ceremony and reception, blessed by so many of our family and friends in attendance to our joy.  The subsequent honeymoon was deeply relaxing, invigorating and just plain fun.

Upon our return to Michigan and home, I experienced a major funk.  I had gone into depression, one such that I haven’t experienced in four years or better.  Being up front, I was not to such a point where I even remotely considered harming myself, but regardless it was still a pretty crappy outlook.

Wrapping my head around what was causing all of this was nigh on impossible, and so I slunk even deeper into that cave I have in my mind where I go when I am physically on auto pilot, while mentally I am reviewing doomsday scenarios of epic proportion.  I truly wasn’t finding joy in anything and even worse cared about nothing, unless I forced myself to.

My wonderful and amazing wife asked me what was wrong but I of course said I was fine.  Which frustrates her to no end, because she could see, quite clearly, that I was not the fine I was claiming.

You see, and this may not apply to all people who have depression, but for me, I don’t notice it.  At least not right away.  Why?  Because it is a natural part of me, and to me, I can only recognize my roller coaster of emotion after the fact, while those closest to me see both the subtle and the drastic.  Honestly, we also don’t want to know that we are in a state of sadness and bleak outlooks, because that means we have to go to work and fight to come back out and recapture the optimistic and positive things going on and put them back into place in how we view the world.  That is work.  Not a physical type labor, but work nonetheless and it can seem very daunting and it is very tiring, emotionally and physically, and in some cases even spiritually.

Anyhow, here I was, on the edges of a major depressive episode and surely spiraling in, when Jen just  said we need to talk.  Slowly, I began to see where I was, and she was able to coax me out of that cave.  I still couldn’t pinpoint what all had triggered my depressive state, but just talking, it made the stuff in my head start to organize and tackle things in an orderly fashion, versus seeing all the chaos in there as one big whole and being overwhelmed.  Sort of like cleaning a hoarder’s home.  If you look at the overall, it is easier to say put a match to it and rebuild.  So you must instead start in one corner of one room and slowly begin reorganizing and cleaning, storing or trashing and work your way out.  So, began a slow (and still ongoing) process of cleaning out and reorganizing my head and all the thoughts, ideas, memories and feelings that were cluttering up my brain.

For me this is, while not exactly normal, it is the typical cycle of my depressive episodes.  I go into a funk, those around me recognize I am not my normal and usual introvert, but am withdrawn and even more reserved.  I put off their observations and concerns as not being founded, until I am confronted and more or less pulled back out towards the more lighted and open area of that mental cave.  Once there, I realize what’s going on and begin to work on finding the balance again.

Which, for me is great.  I see that I have all those who care about me, all those who love me, all those who have some appreciation for who I am and what I do and that makes me want to process what is going on, why and start the journey back towards being the me that I want to be and the one that all those same people can rely on upon to do the same for them when situations are reversed.

What I came to discover this go around though, is how hard it is for those around you seeing these changes, seeing the pain, the worry, the loss of joy and lack of care and concern that they have seen as your normal, and when they say something or try to help they are told nothing is wrong, everything’s fine and keep getting shut down.  Added ‘bonus’ when they are a fixer type personality, and are frustrated that there is no physical action they can take to make it all better, as even when you finally do come to understand where you are and start to make changes to return to the surface and live in the sun, there isn’t anything they can do to speed up the process or just fix it and be done.

In relation to the title of this piece, I wanted folks to know that even though I was out and about, maybe even with a smile on my face, the true genuineness of that smile may have been lacking.  I wasn’t trying to be false, and I wasn’t attempting to be insincere.  Once, I had realized I was being punky, and was working towards returning towards balance, I wore my mask(s), so as to not take away from whatever happiness and positive things were happening with you, nor add to any sadness or negative things going on in your life.  Even in my own little world, I cared about you.

I want to reiterate, I was in no danger of any self harm during this current episode (nor have I contemplated such since February of 2002), but I want you to understand that there are others out there who could be experiencing a dark turn in their lives.  They wear their masks well, and can possibly even convince those who love and care about them, who see that they are not acting their normal selves that they “really are fine.”  If you know someone, peripherally or genuinely, and they are not their norm, I hope, that as M’Lady did with me, she kept inquiring and asking to talk so that I eventually couldn’t deny myself and where I was any longer.  This is not to say that you have failed if you don’t get them to open up, to recognize these not good changes from their normal self or God forbid, they do some act of self-harm, but so you can say you did all that was within your power to help.

Yes, I as of the time I am writing this, I am still depressed.  That being said, I am not suffering, but coping and working on a return to my normal.  Do I know the root causes of this turn at the depths of apathy and despair?  Yep.  One is a condition that has come to affect me more every year, called Seasonal Affective Disorder.  It is real, and it can be rather insidious.  The other one that I have identified for sure is more personal, but now that I have identified it, I am able to move forward.  Are there other reasons?  Possibly.  I haven’t identified them yet, if so and since I am making my way back into the sun (figuratively and when possible, literally) I feel that they are not impediments to my balance.

I am truly grateful to all of my family, friends and acquaintances who care about me and love me.  It is that love and support that gives me the drive to do what I do.  I hope that you all know that I love and care about all of you as well.  I hope you know I support you in what you do and that if I am able to help you in any way, I am here for you.

Thanks for taking the time to read, to ponder, to go “What the hell did I just waste my time on” (hopefully not, but...😃).  I look forward to any discussion or comments you may have.

Vacation: For Body, Mind & Soul

Currently five days in on the honeymoon.  Hard to believe I have been married for only six days.  While I am sure that I can credit a lot of how I feel to being married to my wonderful wife, someone with whom I have been acquainted with for over 34 years, and true friends with now for over three of those years, this time that I have spent away from the cares of the everyday have also been revitalizing to my self as a whole.

I think back to all the time I have taken off from the routine and realize, it has been years, maybe decades, since I have gone somewhere or even nowhere without some form of agenda.  Sure Jen and I, or prior to that, just me, went for a day trip, but those always ended back at home and a return to the normal.  Not that there is anything wrong with those brief respires; they are definitely needed and much appreciated.  However, these past couple days made me realize, I cannot wait nigh upon a decade to travel somewhere, and just relax.

Having time to just meander; see sights and enjoy moments that are both fleeting and intangible.  Just merely saying Stop and Smell the Roses without really taking the time to do so, is an injustice to your self.

This is important regardless of what you do; but most especially in professions where you have a tendency to see both how large and amazing the human spirit can be, but also how ugly and evil some individuals can be, or are involved with both the miracles of new life, life renewed and the tragedy of death, especially when it comes much to soon for the life that was.  This self-care is an absolute necessity, because if we wear ourselves down and burn ourselves out, who then takes care of those whom we take care of?

I’m keeping this short, because it is my honeymoon/vacation after all.

Take care, and until next time...

Windows in Time

EDITED:  This piece has been added to after certain events that occurred recently and made me feel as if there was more to be said.

After several decades of life on this earth, I have been to a lot places with several different people involved, celebrating, contemplating, discussing, teach, learning and all other manner of activities, which leads to things called memories.  So I want to give my thoughts upon memories and a related topic, legacies.  Plus a bonus topic at the end.

As you may be aware, or not, I am in an intimate relationship that is leading to a wedding in October of this year, 2019.  Part of what I have done as I am out and about with m’lady, I have taken her past places that were significant to me as I was growing up.  When one is at a place, seeing things they remember from some past time, hearing sounds, smelling familiar odors and the like can cause us to reminisce, remember and recall things from days gone by.  This may not always be a good thing, as the recall could be of a traumatic, horrifying experience(s).  Especially if we haven’t fully processed that experience and put it in a memory cell but have instead allowed it to run amok in the hallways and rooms of our minds.  But today is not focused on the things we don’t want to recall, just memories in general.  So as I noted, I have tried to take m’lady, or sometimes my daughter past locations that had some place and part in my growing up.

Can you imagine how big a hole in one’s heart occurs when you drive by some location and it is not what it once was?  Instead of recalling memories, good or bad, it creates a sort of melancholy and a sense of loss, somehow.  Today, that happened.  We were down in Detroit, and I decided to try and find the home I recall from my youth where my paternal grandparents resided.  I remember it rather distinctly in my mind as to its layout/floor plan and some of the furniture.  The exterior is a little more vague but still I remember.  However, what occurred as we drove past was instead an overwhelming sense of sadness as this on e home, that was a place of joy and learning and love, had been reduced to nothing.  A vacant lot.  Dirt and trash and weeds.  Gone!

Now, of course, this didn’t erase any of the actual memories.  But as a touchstone to aid in recalling events and even some faces, had been erased.  And for me, it felt as if some part of me had been taken along the home that once stood there.

Interestingly, some short time later, I would drive by another place where I had lived a significant part of my childhood and find that that home also no longer existed.  Not only was the home gone, but much of the property itself appears to have been changed.  Again, I had this sense of loss.  Why?  I am not sure I can fully explain it, but as I mentioned above, that object and how it fit into my life was missing and it made me feel as if maybe some of the things I remember didn’t actually occur, that maybe I had dreamt it all.  Of course I know better, still that touchstone, that cue, that connection between what was and the now seems more tenuous and far away.

Luckily, most of the places I have driven by, are still standing.  Regardless of whether these are still homes, or the schools are still schools and the businesses are still the same businesses, the memories and the feelings those memories evoke still remain, and so long as there is someone to remember the legacy will live on.

Living on.  Legacy.  The immortality of our “self,” when we are no longer here to remind and build upon who we are and impact those around us, in our own right.  When we leave this plane of existence and move on to whatever may come next, as per your beliefs, there remain those whom we have had an impact upon in some measure, big or small, wonderful and loving or heinous and hateful.  What happens to the essence of our spiritual self, our life energy when we die is unknown.  Physically we decay and break down, returning our pieces and parts to the universe.  That energy, though?  If energy does not get destroyed...alas, I am not here to discuss such heady matters.  What I do know is that there is a sort of immortality that we are capable of achieving, a life that survives when our corporeal self has ceased.  And that is the memories that others have of us and the impact which we had upon their lives.

The words and actions of some certain people have lived on for generations, centuries, millennia even, because of the things they taught or actions that they took.  These things may have made them famous or infamous.  But they had such an impact upon people that their names, their deeds, their heroics or villainy, their thoughts upon the world around us, or that within us caused people to think and reflect and decide that it was important to share this from generation to generation from then until now.

While we may not do or say something which will have an impact globally and historically, we still make an impact upon those around us.  The things we do, the people we help, those we hurt, how we speak and what we say all have some impact upon those around us.  Everyday we have the capacity to lift someone up from the depths or push them off of the pinnacle they have reached so far.  And for those things we may be cursed or blessed, thanked profusely or vehemently reviled.  This is the legacy we leave.  This is our immortality- we live on so long as we are remembered.  And I believe it is far better to be remembered favorably, because the good we do for someone will more likely be passed on.  The action or the words will be passed on to others and more and more people will recall us in a good light and so we continue to live on.

Which brings me to my last point.  Recently, my family experienced a very sudden and unexpected loss.  This cousin lived five hours away.  We had stayed in touch if somewhat intermittently, after reconnecting from a rather lengthy period of no real contact other than some news in passing from some other relative.

On more than one occasion one of said we should go/come visit and the other agreed that the time should be set and the plans should be made but they never did actually come to be.  Now, it is impossible for me to see my cousin again in this life.  I met her husband and her two sons for the first time ever when I attended her memorial service.  This was a man whom she had been married to for almost 40 years.  These were two fine men who had been alive for four decades plus some years and had their own families and lives.

Too many times we tell ourselves, I just need more money, I just need more time, I need a break from this, that, or the other and so we put off the visit to a family member or to a friend.  We delay and procrastinate and make excuses.  And while we hope it never happens, some tragedy befalls this person who has a deep and special meaning to us, and hopefully, we to them, is gone and the memories that could have been made, the laughter and joy and good food and fun times don’t happen.  We don’t get to extend our legacy.  We don’t get to help our family member or friend become immortal through the stories we share and the life lessons they imparted because those times weren’t shared to make the stories happen, the lessons can’t be taught or learned because the interactions didn’t occur.

So, I close.  Reconnect with someone from your past. Rekindle a friendship or bebuild a family relationship.  Take that five hour drive or spend that few hundred dollars on a plane ticket and go visit.  We physically exist for but a moment in the grand scheme of things.  But we may achieve a sense of immortality by how we are remembered.  And share more than just stories - revisit places that have affected who you are.  Those who love and care about you will appreciate the memories that you share; yes even the not good ones, because they will appreciate that you trust them enough to be vulnerable.

Thanks for your time.

Magic does Exist.

I had the privilege of watching a performance of “Finding Neverland,” and in combination with some other experiences of late, I have come to believe that magic exists in this world.  Now, is it the magic of Harry Potter or some other favorite fantasy story?  Maybe, maybe not.  It is however the hidden world that exists within the imagination.  The stories that children create filled with wonder and mystery.  These wonderous details that make a grey day brighter or a scary moment more terrifying.

In a movie with Burt Reynolds many many years ago, there is a scene where he is watching these children play and commenting on how this one child is doing these things with his bicycle because he doesn’t know about gravity and physics; and how one day he will go to school and learn these things and never be able to accomplish those feats again.

I believe that as our imaginations are pushed aside and we grow into adults fa too many of us lose the ability to see the magical and fantastic that surround us and fall into a sense of dull routine because we no longer allow the imagination to override the science and need for tactile validation over just seeing and letting our mind run amok with whatever story it can come up with to fill in details.

I’m not talking about losing touch with reality and staying there.  But more about allowing our adult selves to remove the fetters of being a responsible grown up and living and seeing the world as if for the first time through the senses of a wide-eyed and sponge-like child.  Many a parent of toddler and pre-school age children may have an idea of what I am speaking of...when your young child discovers something small or mundane to the rest of the world, but to them it is the discovery of a lifetime.  When you treat that awe and fascination as if they have indeed shown you something very new, it only builds their curiosity.  So, why not do that for your own mental health and (re)discover the small and the simple and let your imagination run free.

Another movie reference here, if you have ever seen Pan’s Labyrinth, you may recall how many of the magical creatures were only visible if you allowed yourself to see them for what they were and not what they appeared to be.

So, change your perspective, let imagination play a part in your day, see the wonder and fascination in what is around you and believe in miraculous things, and maybe, just maybe, you too will become a believer in magic.

(It should be noted that this piece was started some time back, but only recently completed.  Apologies for the delay, but it needed more attention than I was able to give the original kernel of an idea).