Hey all!
Yeah, it’s been some time since I’ve been here; 8 months. I will do a catch up for y’all in another post, but just wanted to say, I don’t make money off of these, so I get to them when I can or occasionally when I feel it is necessary. I will work on creating more consistently.
The Cave, not to be confused with a man-cave, is that place in my head that I disappear into. I may be physically present, but mentally, emotionally…I have receded into the depths of my mind for protection against the storms and darkness of my life.
To many this may sound somewhat normal and even healthy on occasion. It probably even is that, in moderation. But, when you decide not to leave the cave and go meet basic needs, or do so in as quickly and quite obviously, reluctantly way, one tends to miss many things.
I am a self-described asocial, introverted individual. This doesn’t mean I don’t socialize, but that I have a rather small gauge that measures my ability to be around people whom I don’t know, or even somewhat moderate sized gatherings of people where I know many but not all attending. I have a tendency to observe, ponder and interact, if I feel I have something worth contributing.
Anyhow, when I enter my cave and am also in the midst of a depressive episode, well, that can be problematic. It means that I am ignoring the people and the things that are important to, and worse, not giving back or contributing on my part to love and support those whom love and care about me. Which, only adds to the depression and/or anxiety, because you tell yourself you are a loser, a failure, worthless, and feel paranoid that you are going to drive those individuals away. And because you are so caught up in your private La Brea Tar Pit of the mind, that you start to sabotage those relationships to “fulfill” your worst thoughts.
It’s an ugly cycle.
I had been doing rather well in maintaining for some time, and was living in that normal cycle; until I wasn’t. This threw me off. Being an introvert and a typically asocial person, spontaneity is not a strong suit. I like plans. I like schedules (which those who truly know me have to wonder why I am always running late if I make plans and set schedules - it’s because I don’t plan for contingencies like, oh you know, weather, traffic, needing to scrape snow and ice off the car, etc.). So to get back to the topic at hand, my scheduled roller coaster of mental health suddenly had a steep descent and some loops added in. I felt like I was going to fall out of the coaster car. So off to my cave. I must have decided to dig in deeper, because I had wedged myself way in the back so that if you came in, you met my spears of anger or apathy.
I am thankful to all the MH professionals who have helped me, along with all those who care about me, that have made me understand that when you ask me what is wrong, or if I’m okay, you are letting me know that I am not my normal self, and that I need to come out and breathe the air, refresh my mind, body and soul with the joys of life, not dwell upon the million what-ifs of which I have control over about three of.
I share all this to say, if you are going into you cave on occasion, and using it to rest and recharge in a place of safety and security. Good for you. If however, like I have been doing for the last few months, staying inside that cave, as far away from the entrance as possible, maybe it is time to venture forth, find your tribe, and let them help guide you to someone who can help with whatever has overwhelmed you.
As always, comments and questions are welcomed. I look forward to a debate, so long as it remains as a debate - civil and productive. I have argued and allowed myself to be derided far too often once upon a time to let such things occur and waste my time.
Till the next one.
